Rejection is the loss of something we wanted – plain and simple. We want social acceptance, love, and opportunity. Rejection denies us those things.
In a perfect world, we will all one day overcome desire entirely. But, despite having read Siddhartha and beginning at least two Thich Nhat Hanh books, I have not personally transcended desire.
Where did rejection come from?
Need for acceptance is ingrained in our DNA. Rejection developed as an internal warning for early humans who may be forced out of their tribe. It signaled the need to change problematic behavior.
Tribal communities depended on each other for food, water, and shelter. Social acceptance ensured continued survival. In response to ostracism, our bodies developed a shame response to encourage changes in behavior.
Recently, the emotional reaction to rejection has been proven to have physical implications. FMRI studies have shown that rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain, prompting the brain to release natural painkillers (opioids) in response.
Shame is pain.
Rejection is Loss
Ultimately, rejection is loss, and loss must be grieved. We save grief for culturally accepted losses – such as death and divorce. And yes, those are magnificent losses, but loss can be felt in different degrees.
We can be turned down by a partner, friend, or employer. We can lose our social footing, reputation, or power. Often with rejection, the things we lose we never had. We’re denied access to the things we want, losing the ability to have what we wished for.
Scar tissue builds as rejection piles up.
It Starts Early
Starting from childhood, we experience familial and social rejection. Children aren’t equipped to rationalize feeling unwanted and unloved. They don’t understand that parental withholding of affection says more about the parent than it does about the child. That’s the first cut.
Childhood rejection happens for a host of reasons. Sometimes parents are simply busy and children are neglected. Other times, kids, who can truly be mean, bully each other. And more often than not, ostracism in early childhood can be the result of race and gender.
These are mild examples of social rejection. Rejection can be violence, abandonment, and abuse.
Early rejection creates a foundation of insecurity that builds over time and follows us into adulthood.
As we age, rejection changes shape. Morphing into relational, sexual, and professional rejection.
But don’t worry! All the classics are still with us – familial, social, racial, and gendered rejection are thriving.
Overcoming Rejection
Wellness culture tells us that we should overlook rejection. “Rejection is just redirection!” Sound advice, though, it’s only effective if you can do it.
Rejection is no joke. The intensity of shame can lead to aggression, anxiety, and loss of self-regulation. The number of times I’ve wanted to punch a wall and eat four sleeves of cookies is not something I brag about.
Throwing motivational quotes at a problem overlooks the impact of the issue. Rejection stings, in all forms. Denying this is rejecting our own feelings, taking away the opportunity to genuinely feel loss.
Reframing Rejection
Some of the best advice I’ve received was, “you just have to lean in.” In essence, it’s a reframing of the idea, “the only way out is through.”
In practice, it’s giving yourself permission to be upset about rejection. Rather than internalize or externalize, leaning into the loss of what you wanted transforms the feeling into grief. No longer are you blaming yourself or others, you’re simply grieving the loss of what you could have had.
With reframing in mind, let’s take another look at scar tissue. Repeated rejection can lead to Rejection Sensitivity, a condition in which individuals perceive minor actions as larger rejections.
Heightened sensitivity to rejection can be attributed to misperception and expectation of denial. These tendencies, at least in part, are learned. They’re the product of repeated reminders that someone isn’t worthy.
Erasing years of social conditioning is hard, intimidating work. Fortunately, and unfortunately, the work begins with you.
Taking Action
The first step most therapists will suggest is not to blame yourself. Much easier said than done.
What I’ve found most helpful is journaling. It allows us to speak directly to ourselves.
We practice a type of inward rejection known as self-limiting beliefs. They’re a pattern of telling ourselves we can’t do something, taking away the possibility of having what we seek before we even try.
A few years ago I began free-writing two pages every morning. Allowing myself to fill two pages without judgment was a challenge in the beginning – hello, self-limiting beliefs. Over time, I became more comfortable releasing my thoughts to the page. The intimidation of admitting my feelings to myself slowly faded, and I found space to work toward releasing blame.
Talk therapy is another excellent way to process grief and shame. Speaking your feelings aloud and having them heard provides immediate validation. Therapists and friends can give us the ear we need. If this isn’t accessible, sometimes even the mirror can do the heavy listening for us.
By naming the phases of rejection, we confront it consciously. Over time, what was scar tissue becomes a flexed muscle. Rather than piling on insecurities, we build resilience.
Resilience looks like an open mind, a sense of humor, and the understanding that what another person thinks is completely out of our control. With time resilience can replace shame, but first we must grieve.
Essie Somma is an artist and freelance writer exploring beauty and difficulty within the human experience. She has been traveling full-time for two years, learning about new places and cultures, and bringing all of her experiences to her work. She feels endlessly grateful for getting to share her work with others.
